


this was supposed to have fluff in it- but it's all angst, baby....i regret my life

by spids



Series: in which the author projects their life onto michael mell's [1]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, Be More Chill - Freeform, Not literally, Pretty sad I guess, Trans Male Character, Trans Michael, Trans Michael Mell, aka this is just me, bmc, fuck trump ((;, im kind of sorry??, im sorry but im not, jeremy's kind of a dick-erini, kind of loosely based on a true story, not really - Freeform, projecting myself into michael mell, thank
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-28
Updated: 2017-07-28
Packaged: 2018-12-08 00:35:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11635263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spids/pseuds/spids
Summary: michael isn't too fond of the walking, talking orange and his shitty decisions.





	this was supposed to have fluff in it- but it's all angst, baby....i regret my life

**Author's Note:**

> really, at this point i'm just projecting myself onto michael mell. i have no problems with my actions.
> 
> also,, hi,, i know this is really shit writing but?? in my own state of panic and shiz,, i just kind of had to write it?? it made me feel better to write it out, at least. so i apologize if it's not entertaining or all that good !! yee
> 
> i also really hate posting this late,, but i couldn't help myself?? sorry!!!! this is gonna be a flop

"-can't be burdened? are you fucking kidding me?"

michael glared down at his phone, a look of pure shock and disgust on his face. what the hell? who did this orange fuckin' cheeto think he was?

he crossed his legs on his bed, using his hand for support underneath his chin as he continued to angrily scroll through more posts about the news.

the more michael read, the most his chest ached. he could start to feel his body stiffen and his throat tense up. he remembered how he had felt at his cousin's boot camp graduation, and as they became an official marine. he knew that he wanted to join, to actually achieve something, and to make his family proud.

there goes that dream.

before he knew it, he felt his chest lurch and a strained, sobbing yelp left his lips. he immediately tensed up as the tears forced themselves out, biting down on the neck of his sweater to muffle the cries.

if his mother came in and asked about it, he would have absolutely no excuse. it's not like he had actually come out to them yet- they would be anything but accepting.

he remembered his mom joking about it once; that if her children ended up like ""that"", that she would have to beat it out of them. some joke.

michael could only shove so much fabric into his mouth before his nose plugged up and he couldn't breathe. he slacked his jaw to release the now wet part of the sweater, and resulted to biting down onto his forearm instead. maybe the pain would distract him.

he tried not to think about it too harshly, but he couldn't stop. he knew that if he told his parents, they wouldn't care- and that's the thing. they wouldn't yell or scream or kick him out- he knew his parents. his mom would get uncomfortable and treat it as a phase, but would never be comfortable around him again, and his dad would never look at him the same way. no more casual car rides to grandma's house, or family trips. he would have to live in a pit of awkward disappointment and disapproval until he was eighteen, and he didn't want to suffer that long.

michael nearly screamed into his skin, his teeth biting down so hard that he was scared it would draw blood.

he winced through the tears and pulled his mouth away from the teeth imprinted, wet spot on his skin. he choked up on his cries, shaking his head as he looked down at the phone he had tossed down onto his pillow.

maybe he could text jeremy- he always made everything better.

his throat tightened up again and he bit down on his thumb to distract himself with the pain. he wasn't even out to jeremy yet.

it's not that he didn't trust him- jeremy was his best friend! he always has been and always will be- michael was just scared. terrified. he knew that telling jeremy meant having to actually own up to it, and actually communicate his feelings. it was all too intimate for him, and he wasn't sure he was ready for it. everything would just be too real- and michael wasn't comfortable enough with the situation to handle it.

 _it'sfineit'sfineit'sfineit'sfine_ \- it's fine. he could do this. he'd just have to be subtle.

so he got his phone and pulled up jeremy's contact, using his sweater sleeve to wipe his tears and adjust his glasses.

jeremy had sent him some message about dolphins and how great they were just a couple minutes before michael had gotten to his phone. it erupted a small laugh from him, mixed with a teary hiccup at the end of it.

he responded to his pal's strange love for the sea animal before jumping to another topic.

**""..so,, jere,, okay,,,, i have a question, and im not sure if it's more of a sleepover topic or if it's simply a non-messages-do-it-fuckin-verbally kind of thing,, but here we are???? it's a possibly super dramatic topic and i'm askin' it for....scientific reasons?? ((;""**

michael sent it, desperately hoping that he had hidden his true intentions with humor so well that it simultaneously made jeremy at least a bit concerned.

a couple minutes of deep breathing and sniffling later, michael finally noticed that jeremy had seen the message, and a strange sense of relief washed over him. he was so happy that jeremy was there and would answer soon. jeremy was always spending so much time with christine- they once even had a twelve hour phone call. how the fuck do you have that much to say to one person??

it didn't matter- jeremy had seen the message and would surely help now. the thought made michael smile, and he forgot all about that fuckin annoying orange and his stupid decisions.

when five minutes passed with no response, michael was a bit on edge. nothing to worry about though- he was probably just typing out another rant on dolphins.

when ten minutes passed, he went to go make some coffee and didn't dare to look at his parents on the sofa as he walked to the kitchen.

when thirty minutes passed, he was crying again, with his sleeves covering his face and his saddest music turned onto full blast through his headphones. he watched jeremy's recently updated snapchat story. 11:11 wishes. they were pictures of christine.

he was crying tear stains into his pillows and the baymax plushie his cousin had gotten for him. how could jeremy- of all fucking people- ignore him like this?

when an hour passed, michael threw his phone on the rugged floor when he had seen jeremy finally responding. he didn't open the message and fell asleep with a headache and a puffy, reddened face.

**Author's Note:**

> like i said, i wrote this in a state of panic,, so i apologize for any grammar mistakes !! ahhhh
> 
> i mean, i cried while writing it, but mostly because of the shitty state i was in. so,, sorry if my writing isn't all that good enough to actually make you sad !!


End file.
